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Part 2 Microaggregations: You’ve Been Called Out for a Microaggression. What do you do?

Part 2 Microaggregations: You’ve Been Called Out for a Microaggression. What do you do?

What response should be given when one of your colleagues tells you that you made a microaggression but all these years you thought you were their ally due to racial differences? Ensure the other person feels heard at first. Instead of acting on your default response, show kindness and curiosity. As you listen, let your mind and heart be open. Take note of the efforts by your friend to make it possible for you to develop as a human being who knows how he or she appears externally. After that, give him/her a good apology from the bottom of your heart like saying “Thank You for Letting Me Know.” I’m really appreciative that you believe in me. I apologise what I said was offensive. Finally, make some commitment to do better next time around by simply stating “I would love to improve on this by creating an inclusive work environment”. Please keep holding me accountable.

You didn't know it was offensive since it was an offhand remark. However, after having been told this by another worker, you come to realise how improper were those words of yours. How can I say sorry in case I have used a microaggression and am aiming at becoming a good ally for people from marginalised groups and my peers who are colored? When should one make amends and how? What is the best way to ensure improvement in future?

The Experts’ Opinion

Microaggressions refer to minor insults or slights which minority individuals experience as they interact with people from any part of life. In many cases, victims always suffer silently (The victim often suffers silently).

In case someone accuses “you of making a ‘microaggression,’” demonstrate empathy, compassion, humility. There must be actions behind the lip service when others will appreciate one’s worthiness (“you must walk the talk”). It is essential to get this right. Here are several things needful.

Breathe in and breathe out

It is hurtful to be told that you committed a small act of aggression. You may feel “tense, ashamed, defensive or even an increased heart rate.” This is common. But don’t let these emotions control you. Instead, use ‘breathe’. Be calm. Acknowledge that making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person. 

Make it not about you

“In responding to someone calling out your actions or words as harmful to them, it is important to focus on the victim rather than yourself.” For example, “There are times when all these comments have so much underlying context within them and they all might not be said.” When one says “what you said hurt me,” translation would be like someone saying “you did what has been done to us many times before;” hence your comment didn’t simply result from “a single interpersonal interaction.” It is the result of hundreds of years of oppression, torture and maltreatment. 

Listen

Your top priority must be to make the other person feel as if he or she has been heard. They are putting themselves on the line and it is difficult to hear criticism. Keep an open mind and heart and listen to them with all your might. Be grateful. When someone reflects back how you show up in the world, that person is here to help you grow and this is a most sacred gift of all. Say thank you first, then “follow their lead.”

"I’m really sorry"

Finally “replace your instinctive defensiveness with curiosity and empathy” and say sorry. To match up with those apologies, though, there is one more thing that needs to happen which involves three apologies.

You can just say something like ‘Thanks a lot for sharing’ because hearing hurts too much so I have much faith in what you told me.Oh! Wow! You’re saying you trust me enough? And there’s no need to get offended by any statements made or actions taken hence please accept my apologies for whatever I said or did.

Also, avoid overdoing it

Some people tend to say "I am very sorry" repeatedly after being called out for making comments that are not sensitive enough. I’m a total wreck right now.I don’t believe in racism.” How about me? But these hysterics are useless as well as increase aggression only.After requesting this employee take care of yourself,"you have power". Your coworker isn't responsible for absolving your guilt or making it right about what happened.This doesn’t become “a pity party.”

What should be your reaction when publically criticised?

All of these things become harder because they are being done amid others. Microaggressions become common during private interactions among many people; but when a colleague criticises your behavior before others. Be careful in situations like these.

Try to find out for yourself

If you are not sure whether what you said or did was discriminatory and hurtful, don't drag your colleague into a long conversation and seek their belief in your goodwill. “Google it or ask around” instead.

Think of going after

“After going on a hike with someone and they tripped over something and got hurt, you would follow up with them later just to let them know that you really do care about their well-being.” This is particularly relevant if the fall resulted from negligence on your part. Likewise this same rule applies when “you have been the source of someone’s emotional distress.”

Continue trying

One must remember that it is difficult to be better than previous oneself, become more tolerant, anti-racist and anti-sexist. You are doing your best; you are human and therefore capable of making mistakes sometimes. Seldom does one discussion erase years of conditioning?

Principles to Remember

  • Make the other person feel heard so that the dialogue goes where he/she leads.
  • Apologise genuinely and acknowledge the impact and suffering experienced by your comment.
  • Keep improving yourself. You should possess grace, humility, as well as commitment.

Do not be like people who blame external circumstances beyond their control; even if you had good intentions, but still made an offensive statement. The topic is not about you rather thank them for having confidence in your ability to change and faithfulness in you. You can use your privilege to intensify your guilt in order to apologise too much. Apologise sincerely.